A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question

asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant


where's pacman when you need him?

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?

AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert

<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...

I love school

Today our term paper due date's set
Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with a note from the dead member.
So this wiseass pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
She waits for the laughs to die down and says:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand"

(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?

(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.

Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome

MaroonSand: no its not dude

lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it

haha mendo
take a screen shot
that made no sense

I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.

It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

he was dressed as a big fuckin devil

like, HUGE costume
8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
at some anime con in california
they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
he's riding the elevator down to the con space
doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant

< bawss> Right click.

at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

someone speak python here?

the programming language

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I swear to god

I've just heard a duck tell a joke
there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm

And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
The girl started crying and left class ^^

Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

67% of girls are stupid

i belong with the other 13%

so my dad found my porn folder

and he was getting all pissed
so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
"i know dad"
"what do you have to say for yourself?"
at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
and he just shut up
what is it?
its his porn folder

Hey Mike

i dont get it

Im going to be the next hitler

Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
why the clown
See? no one cares about the jews

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A

2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

*** Now talking in #christian

-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
!kjv numbers 22:21
Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. - (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)
I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

hey baby, whats up?

So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

"There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."

That's only 2 types of people, kow.

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Ouroboros: lets play Pong

| .
. |
| .
. |
| .
| .


I download something from Napster
And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
"getting my song back fucker"

: If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.

: If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
: Where u work?
: I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

what should I give sister for unzipping?

Um. Ten bucks?
no I mean like, WinZip?

oh man

I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
and it exploded
ALMOST all over my keyboard
but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right

BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> IN FACT
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..

<+Christin1> how do i do that

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders

random girl: hey!

me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

"Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."


do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?

center for disease control
i said WHO
what? i'm asking you
World Health Organization

Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?

Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession
I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
Now what?
Don't worry. It's done

Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.


<+mOrphz> damn it :/

<@Lego> damn it :/
<+mOrphz> stop that
<@Lego> stop that
<+mOrphz> :D
<@Lego> :D
<+mOrphz> Lego smells
<@Lego> Lego smells
<+mOrphz> /quit
quit: (Lego) (~leet@apex|Lego.user.gamesnet) (Quit)

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.

"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."




This cake is soooo good

it's like sex, except I'm having it

Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand

so my speakers haven't beeen working for a while

they were plugged into the mic port
umm, i think they are color-coded
haha, i know
i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is
* npl has set the topic on channel #cell6 to i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is

"ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin

wtf? begets isn't a word. quit trying to make up words, fuckface.

The general rule on about people on IRC seems to be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

* dregan kicks Yamucha in the nuts

* dregan stamps on Yamucha's neck
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Yamucha
Oh shit.

In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

hey cres, I know what you're thinking right now

" "
i dont get it

i was watching doom in the cinema today

there was a very exciting scene where it was matter of life or death
and some guy behind me screams "SAVE IT, IDIOT!"

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that I had some really great sex with my wife last night.
And she even screamed "Oh John!" during orgasm.
isnt ur name dave?
Yeah, that's the bad news...

asians are cool, it's the closest your ever gonna get to fucking an alien

what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?

you can't buy alcoholics
but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free

i like my women how i like my filesystems ... FAT and 16

Can someone explain cell division?


Aquillar> hey, you guys ever play kmem russian roulette?
Agnostos> I don't believe I have. care to explain the details?
Aquillar> dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/kmem bs=1 count=1 seek=$RANDOM
Aquillar> keep executing until system crashes
Aquillar> person that crashes system has to buy beer
Agnostos> lol
Agnostos> I wonder if I can sneak that into a server startup script here.

dude this car I saw....

was really dusty
and someone had written on it "I wish my wife was this dirty"
and underneath that someone else had written "she is"

< Andys> oh dear

< Andys> in ruby, symbols are represented with a prepended colon
< Andys> eg. :flag
< Andys> so some guy tshirt that said ":sex"
< Andys> which everyone at railscamp knew meant "Sex symbol"
< Andys> he wore it until someone pointed out that to non-rubyists it said "Colon sex"

thefinalcutter83: According to CNN.com: "Iranian missile may be able to hit U.S. by 2015."

SpaceInvader455: That's one slow fuckin missile.

"A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable."

So the officer stops me and asks for my license and registration

After handing them to him , he asks who the car belongs to
I tell him it's my wifes
He asks if I have an authorization, because you have to have some proof that you're allowed to ride a car that's not yours
I go "Sir, I ride the OWNER of this car personally with no authorization, do you really expect me to have an authorization to ride her car ?"
Officer hands me back the papers in silence and salutes me

< Ergo^> Six Stages of Debugging
< Ergo^> 1. That can't happen.
< Ergo^> 2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
< Ergo^> 3. That shouldn't happen.
< Ergo^> 4. Why does that happen?
< Ergo^> 5. Oh, I see.
< Ergo^> 6. How did that ever work?
< MatthewWilkes> 7. svn blame
< miniwark> 8. one day we will write tests

fuck printers
I should name mine Bob Marley
Because its always jammin'

is there an amazon service that will have something delivered to you at a random point in the next month?
or in the next year?
tfair: that's called USPS

NOTE: The hungarian version is more up to date.
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